father's day

i have a hard time with father's day. i have a dad, but most of the hallmark cards don't accurately describe our relationship. i have a stepdad, and though he's a good man the "stepdad" cards don't really work for me either. sometimes instead of cards i can muster a heartfelt letter, but this year i didn't feel up to even that. it didn't bother me until we went to bed that evening and tim asked me if i had sent anyone a card and i said no and he said, that's sad. and it was sad, so i cried myself to sleep.

most of the time i don't feel the lack of a father-figure, or at least i don't think about it. but sometimes simple things catch me off-guard and i realize how close to the surface my feelings of loss are. my brother ben, in his song service repertoire plays a version of "On Jordan's Stormy Banks" sung by Jars of Clay (and the Blind Boys of Alabama) on their Redemption Songs album. one verse of that song says "when shall i see that happy place/ and be forever blessed/ when shall i see my Father's face/ and in his bosom rest."

when i sing along and come to that verse my brain automatically puts in the word "Savior" instead of "Father," so when they sing Father it surprises me. that one word changes the entire meaning of the verse and more often than not it brings tears to my eyes and i have a hard time finishing. we all have a need for a savior, but i now see that my need for a father is much more real and close to my heart. "when will i see my father's face?"

i have a hard time with father's day because i don't have a real father here. and i guess that's okay because it helps me appreciate the idea of God as Father. it's one of those bittersweet blessings.